you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
