Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I wish there were birth control emojis
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
