How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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