maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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