I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
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They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
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I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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