Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I don't deserve a penis
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
