K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
