my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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