I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
