I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
