If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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