The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
