you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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