It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
