Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
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