I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
