I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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