I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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