90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
