you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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