I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
