why didn't you poke me back
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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