fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
It's official drugs can't kill me
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
