I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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