I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
