I cannot find my penis.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
