I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
