Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm just crazy horny about you
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
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