I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I am mentally ready for anal.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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