I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
