I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
