If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
