I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
