I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
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