im drinking this country out of the recession.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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