So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
