she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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