mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
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