I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
