Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
