i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
