and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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