On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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