did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Randomize
