anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
