I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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