I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
