the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
