She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
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everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
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And my parents said I crawled through the house
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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