R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
