Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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