I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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