also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
