would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
