I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just gift wrapped bread.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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