I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
