Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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